Archive of ‘Parenting Discipline’
Thursday, July 3rd, 2008
“For you know that we dealt with each of you as a father deals with his own children, encouraging, comforting and urging you to live lives worthy of God, who calls you into his kingdom and glory.” 1 Thessalonians 2:11,12 NIV
encourage
1. To inspire with hope, courage, or confidence; hearten.
2. To give support to; foster: policies designed to encourage private investment.
3. To stimulate; spur: burning the field to encourage new plant growth.
comfort
1. To soothe in time of affliction or distress.
2. To ease physically; relieve.
soothe
1. To calm or placate.
2. To ease or relieve (pain, for example).
King James Version:
“As ye know how we exhorted and comforted and charged every one of you, as a father doth his children, that ye would walk worthy of God, who hath called you unto his kingdom and glory.” 1 Thessalonians 2:11-12
exhort
To urge by strong, often stirring argument, admonition, advice, or appeal: exhorted the troops to hold the line.
admonition
1. Mild, kind, yet earnest reproof.
2. Cautionary advice or warning.
comfort
1. To soothe in time of affliction or distress.
2. To ease physically; relieve.
soothe
1. To calm or placate.
2. To ease or relieve (pain, for example).
charge
To impose a duty, responsibility, or obligation on: charged him with the task of watching the young swimmers.
Thursday, June 12th, 2008
I was recently asked how to help children obey. I always hesitate to give advice because I am far from an expert, and I also don’t know what another family’s situation is really like. I can only share what has worked for me. Here are a few things that came into my mind.
I believe it is helpful to start by teaching children about obedience and by referencing Scripture.
Calling family meetings has become a regular part of my parenting, preferably before I feel frustrated. Family meetings or even one-on-one meetings are very helpful. Coming up with a new “plan” gives everyone a fresh start.
If I tell the children to do something, I “say it” and if they don’t act, then I have to get off my butt to “help” or make sure they follow through.
If I tell a child to do something, and the child ignores me or complains, I say something like, “Mommy told you to do that. Is this what you are saying to me? ‘Mommy, I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to obey you. I want to do my own thing.’ Is that the right thing to do? Do you need help to do what Mommy says?” I make it clear that they are choosing to disobey. I try to actually make that an option in our house. In the end, they usually change their minds (and hearts).
Teaching conflict resolution is important to me. I think it is a lot better to teach siblings how to resolve their conflicts instead of spanking them. Seems a lot more logical and productive to me.
My favorite problem solving technique is an idea I got from the book Emotional Intelligence. We made it into a small traffic light sign that we keep in various rooms of the house. If I am not too lazy, I call “red light” when I see or hear conflict, and we go through these steps:
STOP
Calm down.
Think before you act.
Say the problem.
Say how you feel.
Set a positive goal.
Think of lots of solutions.
Think ahead to the consequences.
GO ahead.
Try the best plan.
That’s all I could think of off-hand. I know there are tons of other ideas.
If you want help in solving parenting dilemmas, I encourage you to ask questions at these message boards. The mothers are very helpful.
http://motheringbygrace.com/forum/index.php
http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/mb/
Monday, May 26th, 2008
I was just watching the fourth part of the DVD series, How Should We Then Live?, with the boys. It was the part about the reformation. It ended with this:
“When we begin to speak of the results of the reformation, it did bring tremendous freedom. And we must always say both things together. The first thing, and the primary thing is, it sudddenly gave freedom from having to work one’s way to God. No longer was it necessary to merit the merit of Christ. One must understand the terrible psychological slavery. Because if you beat yourself 100 times in order to merit the merit of Christ, how do you know that you don’t have to beat yourself 101 or 102? So the terrible slavery… So suddenly, when we come to the gospel (the Good News), and that Christ has done it all, and we accept this with the empty hands of faith, we have tremendous freedom from this awful, awful bondage that I have spoken of. But it brings many other freedoms. Because it is a terrible bondage really, as a man, as a finite man, to have to act as God and make our own absolutes (or try to, ’cause we really can’t). This is a bondage. And suddenly when we have, in the Bible itself, that which gives us the absolutes, we are free then, to function, whether in the area of science or morals or sociological things or behavior patterns, we are free to operate within the circles that the absolutes of the Scripture gives us.” Dr. Francis Shaeffer
I KNOW THAT MY REDEEMER LIVES
Charles Wesley
I know that my Redeemer lives,
And ever prays for me;
A token of His love He gives,
A pledge of liberty.
I find him lifting up my head,
He brings salvation near,
His presence makes me free indeed,
And He will soon appear.
He wills that I should holy be,
What can withstand His will?
The counsel of His grace in me
He surely shall fulfill.
JOY UNSPEAKABLE
Barney E. Warren
I have found His grace is all complete,
He supplieth ev’ry need;
While I sit and learn at Jesus’ feet,
I am free, yes, free indeed.
Thursday, May 22nd, 2008
The following is from the end of the book, Prince Caspian, when Aslan (and Lucy and Susan) moved through the village. “At a well in a yard they met a man who was beating a boy. The stick burst into flower in the man’s hand. He tried to drop it, but it stuck to his hand. His arm became a branch, his body the trunk of a tree, his feet took root. The boy, who had been crying a moment before, burst out laughing and joined them.” (Prince Caspian, C.S. Lewis, p. 172)
Thursday, May 8th, 2008
“That’s it. Meeting now. Everyone on the couch.”
Dave ~ Alvin and the Chipmunks movie
There were lots of giggles all around when we rented that movie last night.
Friday, May 2nd, 2008
I am honored to have Samuel Martin’s complete book, Thy Rod and Thy Staff They Comfort Me: Christians and the Spanking Controversy, at this link on my website:
http://parentingfreedom.com/samuelmartinbook.pdf
His website, http://www.biblechild.com, has the following facts:
Fact: The Bible does not teach that spanking a child will save him from Hell.
Fact: The Bible does not teach that spanking a child should bring tears.
Fact: In Bible times, the texts concerning spanking children found in Proverbs were not applied to young children under the age of about 10 years!
Fact: Many respected Christian theologians including St. Augustine, Dr. Karl Barth and Rev. Dwight Moody rejected spanking children.
Fact: Many Biblically conservative Jewish Rabbis, who have the Old Testament as their Holy Scripture, reject spanking children today.
Fact: The main Christian advocates for spanking children now are not usually trained Christian theologians teaching in universities, but most often are conservative fundamentalist Christian pastors, Christian politicians, Christian psychologists, lay church members and Christian school leaders.
Fact: Well meaning Christian advocates of spanking children have developed doctrines surrounding what they believe the Bible teaches about spanking children which are not found in the Bible at all.
Fact: Well meaning Children’s Rights activists, who are not trained Bible scholars, have entered this debate attacking the Bible with disastrous results.
Friday, May 2nd, 2008
I received the following comment in an email from a pastor today:
“I am a father of six and a grandfather of three. I love my children deeply and wanted them to grow in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. But after seeing the end result of my ‘discipline’ in them and after speaking with them honestly of my concerns, and hearing thier responses, as well as years of dealing with hundreds of others (I am a family counselor and pastor) I see that most of our ‘discipline’ has been legalistic, harsh, and worst of all, energized by an unhealthy fear of God’s judgement. (If I don’t beat the hell out of them they will go to hell). But PERFECT LOVE CASTS OUT FEAR. THERE IS NO FEAR IN LOVE. That doesn’t mean there are no times when some degree of strong correction may be needed, but if the HEART relationship is lost in the process we have lost the entire war.”
Clay McLean
Also from Pastor McLean,
“We have totally misunderstood the Scriptures concerning spanking, and I have been in deep grief over the clear evidence I see in my own and in so many others I minister to that spanking as we teach and practice it is wrong… By our arrogant dismissal of Hebrew wisdom for Greco Roman thought we have cut ourselves off from truth that heals and replaced with legalism that wounds. Lord have mercy.”
Thursday, May 1st, 2008
I just thought of something I do that has been a very helpful parenting tool. If I hear a whine or a crank out of a child, I hold out my hand for him or her to “spit it out” in my hand. The child’s voice almost always changes immediately, and I often get a smile. This has worked extremely well, maybe because I have used it regularly and at the first sign of a crank or whine. Then, problem resolution and/or empathy go into play. I try to help the child cope with the cause of the whine, which could be hunger, fatigue, frustration, etc. The empathy might simply include expressing the child’s feelings in words.
Thursday, May 1st, 2008
Quotes from a review:
Heart of a Child
http://www.religion-online.org/showarticle.asp?title=2178
about this book:
The Child in Christian Thought (Religion, Marriage, and Family)
“The volume includes two additional studies on theologians who, although they hold quite pessimistic views on the nature of children, do not endorse physical discipline: the Reformer John Calvin and the 18th-century American Calvinist Jonathan Edwards. Barbara Pitkin writes that ‘Calvin himself appears not to have advocated the use of physical force in response to sin in children; though he recognized the need for parental discipline, his explicit remedies were baptism and education (albeit strict and structural) into faith and morality.’”
“Both Calvin, the theologian of ‘total depravity,’ and Edwards, who preached to children about the agonies of hell and God’s wrath, appreciated the positive aspects of children. Yes, Calvin refers to children as a ’seed of sin’ hateful to God, but he also claims that ‘infants are gifts of God and examples to adults and can proclaim God’s goodness.’ Pitkin reminds us of ‘Calvin’s claim that even nursing infants glorify God’ and his reference to infants as mature defenders of the faith.’ Pitkin’s most provocative query emerges from Calvin’s image of children as ‘mirrors of God’s grace.’ She writes: ‘How might present attitudes toward children’s bodies (and especially the physical needs of poor children) be transformed and neglect and abuse of children challenged by taking seriously, with Calvin, the conviction that children bear in their very bodies the engraving of the divine covenant — that children’s bodies are, in a sense, sacraments?’”
“Like Calvin, Edwards ‘emphasizes the sinful nature of children, [but] he also believes that they have rich spiritual lives . . . and he claims that Christ loved even the poorest, humblest child.’ Catherine Brekus’s persuasive investigation of Edwards turns up no concrete evidence that he recommended physically disciplining children, contrary to the conclusions of several recent studies. Edwards leaves us with a complex heritage, what Brekus refers to as a ‘double image of children.’ The same man who refers to children as ‘more hateful than vipers’ also ‘used images of them to symbolize ideal piety.’ The same man who terrorized children with hellfire sermons also wrote that ‘even the youngest children were fully human and could be genuinely touched by grace.’ Edwards himself longed to become as a little child in his own relationship with God, to participate in the attributes of humility, innocence and tenderheartedness.”
Wednesday, April 30th, 2008
“The Reverend Dwight Moody, who became the most famous evangelist of the late nineteenth century, was one of those rare parents who do not discipline their children as they themselves have been disciplined. Although he had been whipped as a boy, he did not choose to inflict similar pains on his own children. As his son William noted:
‘To these whippings Mr. Moody always referred with great approval, but with delightful inconsistency never adopted the same measures in the government of his own family. In his home grace was the ruling principle and not law, and the sorest punishment of a child was the sense that the father’s loving heart had been grieved by waywardness or folly.’
“Dwight Moody’s son, Paul, later confirmed this observation in his autobiography. One of Paul Moody’s most vivid memories was of an incident that occurred when he ‘was quite young.’ He was playing in the kitchen with a friend who had stopped by after his normal bedtime hour. His father observed this, and then returned shortly and commanded him to go to bed. Paul Moody recalled:
‘This time I retreated immediately and in tears, for it was an almost unheard-of thing that he should speak with such directness or give an order unaccompanied by a smile. But I had barely gotten into my little bed before he was kneeling beside it in tears and seeking my forgiveness for having spoken so harshly. He never, he said, intended to speak crossly to one of his children.’
“Paul Moody’s childhood experience remained embedded in his consciousness years later, and he acknowledged the impact that this encounter with his father had upon his religious life thereafter:
‘Half a century must have passed since then and while it is not the earliest of my recollections I think it is the most vivid, and I can still see that room in the twilight and that large bearded figure with the great shoulders bowed above me, and hear the broken voice and the tenderness in it. I like best to think of him that way. Before then and after I saw him holding the attention of thousands of people, but asking the forgiveness of his unconsciously disobedient little boy for having spoken harshly seemed to me then and seems now a finer and a greater thing, and to it I owe more than I owe to any of his sermons. For to this I am indebted for an understanding of the meaning of the Fatherhood of God, and a belief in the love of God had its beginnings that night in my childish mind.’
“Dwight Moody’s experiences with pain and punishment were not transmitted to the generation to come. The Moody family, however, was an exception to the general rule, which has shaped American family life, that we do to our children what was done to ourselves.”
~ Philip Greven, Spare the Child, p.15,16
What a good man. What a good father. If Rev. Moody could choose a new path, free from violent actions and unkind words, then we also, need not repeat the past. We can fight the urge to react in the same way we were treated as children. We can humble ourselves and learn to forgive and ask forgiveness. We can be better parents. Tomorrow is a new day. We will sin again, but we, too, can be forgiven.
This entry was originally posted on Wednesday, April 4th, 2007 at my previous website.
Wednesday, March 26th, 2008
Close Ties Between Parents And Babies Yield Benefits For Preschoolers
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/02/080207085606.htm
“The study found that children who had developed a close, positive, reciprocal, and mutually responsive relationship with their mothers in the first two years of their lives did much better in both respects–responding to their mothers’ requests not to do something and regulating their own behavior–than children who hadn’t developed such ties.”
“When mothers and babies develop this closeness in the first two years, the study found, mothers don’t need to use forceful discipline later to get their children to do what they ask and refrain from other behaviors.”
Sunday, March 23rd, 2008
In church this morning, a kind missionary lady told the children’s story. She summarized the Easter story, and explained, “Jesus took the punishment for all of us - for all the bad things we do.”
She spoke the truth. The adults nod in agreement. We rejoice that we have been forgiven. Our sins are washed away. But… what about the little children? How do they perceive this message? Should they believe her? Could they be confused? Do they recall the last time they disobeyed their parents and had to submit to a spanking? Do they remember being punished regularly for the bad things they have done? Even after Christ’s sacrifice, do children still have to bear the punishment for their sins?
In the eyes of a child who lives under the threat of punishment for disobedience, grace appears to be only a wonderful hope in Bible stories.
Author and scholar Samuel Martin reminds us, “When parents sin, they ask God to forgive them, repent and know they are forgiven. When children sin, they are judged, tried, condemned and punished.”
Spanking is a punishment for the violation of a law.
Galatians 5:4 says “you are severed from Christ, you who would be justified by law; you are fallen away from grace.”
Galatians 5:18 says “if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.”
Friday, March 21st, 2008
“I am the good shepherd: the good shepherd giveth his life for the sheep.” John 10:11 (KJV)
http://www1.americangreetings.com/ecards/display.pd?lpage=bmodule&path=100923&prodnum=3131632
Thursday, February 28th, 2008
Study: Spanking May Lead to Sexual Problems Later
http://abcnews.go.com/Health/Sex/story?id=4358979&page=1
Tuesday, February 19th, 2008
Iran: Father ’stones 14-year-old daughter to death’
http://www.adnkronos.com/AKI/English/Politics/?id=1.0.1889385027
The above article reminded me of the following verses:
“If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son who does not obey his father and mother and will not listen to them when they discipline him, his father and mother shall take hold of him and bring him to the elders at the gate of his town. They shall say to the elders, ‘This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious. He will not obey us. He is a profligate and a drunkard.’ Then all the men of his town shall stone him to death. You must purge the evil from among you. All Israel will hear of it and be afraid.” Deuteronomy 21:18-21 NIV
Why do some Christians never consider following these verses literally in our society, yet interpret other Old Testament verses to condone the literal beating of children?
Read more:
http://parentingfreedom.com/discipline
Tuesday, February 12th, 2008
The Curse of the Standard Bearers - Part 1
http://www.spiritofelijah.com/chariot/chariot1107.html
“At age fifteen and living at home, Marty knew he should obey his parents, but they never led him to deal with his heart relationship with God. Consequently, the parent-child relationship was always about responsibility and expectations. It’s no wonder that Marty felt unloved, controlled, and unvalued. Living by rules and standards cannot build relationships based on God’s love and grace. A form of outward obedience may occur, but liberty and love that comes from the Holy Spirit’s work internally is overlooked.”
“Until Marty has a relationship with Jesus, his parents must teach, train, and demand honor and obedience (Eph. 6:1-4). However, once the Holy Spirit indwells him, Marty should be taught to walk by the Spirit in relationship with the heavenly Father. As Jesus told his disciples, “Do not call anyone on earth your father; for One is your Father, He who is in heaven” (Matt. 23:9). As a son starts to walk by the Spirit, an earthly father should encourage his son’s decision-making and guidance to come from a personal relationship with the heavenly Father, not himself. To the degree that the father makes the decisions and dictates the lifestyle of his believing son, to that degree he hinders his son’s spiritual life. A father’s role should decrease just as John the Baptist’s role decreased when Jesus appeared (John 3:30).”
The Curse of the Standard Bearers - Part 2
http://www.spiritofelijah.com/chariot/chariot1207.html
“John grew up in the home of Standard Bearers. Being a compliant child, he became a poster child for them and a testimony of the blessing that comes with living by godly standards and character. John wasn’t taught the importance of a relationship with the Holy Spirit or experiencing a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. He was taught that obeying his parents was his primary responsibility as a son. To his parents, living for Jesus and obeying parents were one in the same. I’m not sure they realized it, but they became his god and controlled his life. John didn’t know who he was as a person or that he was under the inordinate control of Standard Bearing parents. Furthermore, he didn’t realize his need for the Holy Spirit; he had his father and mother!”
“French mathematician, physicist, and theologian Blaise Pascal wrote, ‘Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from a religious conviction.’”
Curse of the Standard Bearers - Part 3
http://www.spiritofelijah.com/chariot/chariot0108.html
Standard Bearer: “He may condemn, judge, slander, and cut off those who don’t live by his standards (Matt. 12:14) or he may demand the right to control the child until the child cuts him off (he appears blameless and the child appears rebellious).”
Links found here: http://thatmom.wordpress.com
Monday, February 11th, 2008
Neufeld-Responsibility for the Relationship-Power to Parent
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jUARKC7m2go
Dr. Neufeld on “Preserving Attachment” (Power to Parent)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vqzI5yvA-iA
Dr. Gordon Neufeld- What Makes a Child Easy to Parent
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PcaMsZrElnE
“It’s not the love of a parent for the child. The key to the ease of parenting and the context of parenting is the love of a child for the parent… A child must be in right relationship with the parent for the parent to be able to do the job and to provide a context for parenting.”
Dr. Gordon Neufeld- Why We’re Losing the Context to Parent
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XDKWhDfgqls
“Honey, nothing you do or say, could separate you from me, at least not emotionally. Nothing is going to separate. It must be the foundation of the relationship.”
Dr. Neufeld is the author of one of my favorite books: Hold on to Your Kids
Friday, February 1st, 2008
MORE THAN A PARENTING MINISTRY:
The Cultic Characteristics of Growing Families International
by Kathleen Terner and Elliot Miller
http://www.equip.org/site/c.muI1LaMNJrE/b.2721925/k.B464/DG233.htm
Sunday, January 27th, 2008
“Do not forsake your mother’s teaching.” Proverbs 6:20 NIV
MEMORIES OF MOTHER
My mother’s hand is on my brow,
Her gentle voice is pleading now;
Across the years so marred by sin
What memories of love steal in!
O mother, when I think of thee,
’Tis but a step to Calvary;
Thy gentle hand upon my brow
Is leading me to Jesus now.
Once more I see that look of pain,
The anguish in those eyes again;
My heart is sad, for well I know
My sin has caused this bitter woe.
While others scorned me in their pride
She gently drew me to her side;
When all the world has turned away,
My mother stood by me that day.
The memories of bygone years,
My mother’s love, my mother’s tears,
The tho’t of all her constant care
Doth bring the answer to her prayer.
I’m coming home, by sin beset,
For Jesus loves me even yet;
My mother’s love brings home to me
The greater love of Calvary.
